Friday, December 09, 2005

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You are about to enter a land that is unknown. This land has been off limits to us for almost 100 years, but due to some technology it is now possible to show the public.
It is chance to explore a world of darkness and shadows and maybe in time we can light to this situation.
The names have not been changed to protect the innocent. All must be held accountable for the dark times. There have been few moments along the way, but for there is no end in sight of this dark plague that bears down upon us.
This my friends are the “Wrigley Tales.”
In all seriousness now, I have decided to write small scenes about the inner-workings of the Chicago Cubs. They will be similar to this post: Larry's K Machines
I will start a scene a week and I hope you enjoy the humor in our desperation as Cub fans.
Without further interruption, I bring you the “Wrigley Tales.”
In addition to our familiar cast of characters there will be some fictional ones to help bring light of the situation.

Wrigley Tales – Part 1- “The Perez Situation”

Scene 1 starts in a living room as the 2005 World Series is going on.

The final out is recorded and the man in shadow gets up to shut off the TV.
Man: Well, that is just great. First the Red Sox and now of all the teams the White Sox go and win.

The light switches on and it is revealed the man in darkness is none other than Jim Hendry. Hendry is the GM of the Cubs.

Still talking to himself
Jim: I thought our fans were bad last year. Now the Southside has a title and I still have no offense, no bench and questionably no coach. Man, I missed the boat on Dusty. I guess the Giants new what they were doing letting him go. Now, my job stands with a man that could not coach our company softball team.

Hendry walks down a hall and thinks a new season starts tomorrow.

Jim: There is much work to do in the next few weeks.

Scene 2 takes place in an office with Dusty Baker, Hendry, Andy McPhail and Hendry’s assistant Addison Clark. The four are discussing things that must go on for the Cubs to have a chance to win in 2006.

Jim: Ok, guys this meeting will lay the groundwork for our next couple weeks and months. First lets list the things that went right and things we can improve on.

Dusty: D-Lee was absolute machine. I credit the work I made with him in the start of Spring Training. Also we were in the race until September.

Clark: Give me a break Dusty. Yes, Lee had a monster year that was wasted on this team. Your other suggestion that we were in the race was only because the teams were so mediocre.

Andy: Now, Clark just calm down a little. We had a very successful year.

Clark: Yeah, extorting the pockets of the fans for every dime you can. Now there are new bleachers going up and that will give the team even greater resources to turn a profit.

Jim: Guys! Guys! Let us stay on point.

Clark: I will show you on point. First off we need to improve our pitchers health. Without Prior and Wood making more than 15 starts the Cubs have no chance. Next a leadoff hitter that is not named Patterson or Perez would be great. At least we don’t have to see Neifi anymore. There are so many useful guys out on the market that could help the team.

Jim: That is not entirely true.

Clark: What, there aren’t more useful guys out there? We already have Ronnie Cendeno, Jerry Hairston Jr. and Todd Walker since you picked up his option today.

Jim: No. Perez is coming back.

Clark: Oh good lord, what are you smoking Jim. Sure, he had to play last year, but we had a chance to let him leave. Now we have to deal with him getting 90 starts from Dusty.

Dusty[very offended]: He was very solid for us.

Clark[sarcastic]: Sorry I offended you, but Jim there is no need for another infielder for one year.

Jim: That is not entirely true either.

Clark: You didn’t? Not a two-year deal, oh please say I am on Candid Camera or Ashton Kutcher is right through that wall and I am being Punked. What did he sign a 2-year 2 million dollar deal?

Andy: I get the reference to Candid Camera, but what is punked? Is it somebody that goes around hurting people.

Clark: Oh please, it is a show that plays practical jokes....oh why do I bother. Now, Jim what is it 2.5, 3 or 3.5 million?

Jim: He wanted a little more, so I gave him a 2-year 5 million dollar contract.

Andy: We are very loyal to our players here in Chicago.

Clark: We are still the same organization that ran off the top pitcher in the 90’s.

Dusty: We brought him back.

Clark: Oh forgive me; we wasted Cy Young’s so we could bring back a guy that gives up home runs every other at bat. Granted, I like Greg as much as everybody else, but don’t give me that song and dance.

Jim: We felt that Neifi gives us much needed flexibility.

Clark: Flexibility! Flexibility! (With a little more anger) Do you guys not know we are need of a major offensive overhaul? Don’t answer that Dusty! I meant it as a rhetorical question. Wait, did you say five million?

Jim: Yes.

Clark: Five million dollars. You guys know that Cardinals are only spending like 300,000 on their second baseman? We have major holes at SS, relief pitching, starting pitching and an entire outfield to sign and you spent 5 million on our utility man.

Andy: We are not the Cardinals.

Clark: Of course not. We have not been to a World Series and a NLCS in back-to-back years.

Andy: We once won back-to-back World Series.

Clark: I give up. [Throwing his notebook off the table]

Jim: I think this was a very productive day. Tomorrow our new season starts.

Join us next time for Part 2 of Wrigley Tales – “In Need of Relief”